6 months ago, I came out to the world on Instagram that I was in fact and ACE. I am Asexual, I have never really been someone who has been all that into labels in my lifetime, considering that Asperger’s label that have had all of my life I have fought so hard to be above and overcome all of the challenges of what it meant from the time I was told that was who I am (around age 6-7). The problem then as you can see for me is that as someone who has been wholesale against any of the labels that I have had, it would be extremely difficult for me to take on any others, even ones that are super positive and affirming of somethings that I had been feeling for a long time.
The problem as I was saying still comes in the fact that I feel the need to fight against my labels…so I will admit, despite thinking about the Asexual thing even as far back as late 2017, I was not really ready to adopt anything that would really change who I am. I also still do not feel identifying as Asexual does much for me in terms of changing anything about myself. I am not any different than I was before…not even remotely. So I will admit…now what? What does this mean for me, what can I do with this new information of self?
I mean, I am not exactly looking for a community of Asexual people to “bond” with, nor am I looking for LGBTQIA+ friends either. I do not want anything to change despite the taking on of this new label. I mean I wore a black ring for about 6 months and then it randomly flew off my finger one night while walking outside a few days before writing this, and I have really no urge to get out there and replace the ring…I also am not aromanitc, and I know that Demisexual is probably still more the label that I should be identifying with, but the issue that I have is that none of the relationship stuff is anyone’s business at all…period. I have never ben one to talk about the things that I do in a relationship, never any of the sexual stuff at all…and though I will admit it is not the first thought that comes to mind, I do want to make love to a woman again in the future…my heart just has to be in it first.
So, sometimes I find myself wondering if there is not a little imposter-syndrome when it comes to the whole deal of being an ACE. I identify with it, I am comfortable with that decisions, but at the same time…it feels like there is also no way this is me…I mean I am used to there being ONE SOLID definition for what somethings is…all of this spectrum shit is new to me. The fact that we can be anywhere on any of these spectra and still hold the same identity seems strange to me…but I guess it makes sense.
So, I ask again…I am Asexual, now what?
Marcus Levis (Age 23)